


Memory

by notcrindy



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Lup needs family more than ever now, Multi, no one forgets Lup but Lup, this is basically a different approach to what i just posted but oh well
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-22
Updated: 2017-11-24
Packaged: 2019-01-21 06:57:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,772
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12452037
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notcrindy/pseuds/notcrindy
Summary: Taako and Barry do find Lup in Wave Echo Cave, but something's wrong. Taako can tell by the look in her eyes.(Or: No one forgets Lup but Lup, and she needs family. The Starblaster provides.)





	1. Prologue

They found her in Wave Echo Cave.

There were so many attempts that both Barry and Taako had just about given up. So many sleepless nights with one or both of them reading over the note and not saying a word, or having plenty to say and scouting out the area. It hadn’t amounted to anything for such a long time that, when Taako finally found her, he couldn’t believe his goddamn eyes.

Maybe it was a hallucination from lack of sleep. He still approached the figure curled up in red kind of cautiously, even though it seemed like she was pretty out of it and harmless. And also looked pretty much exactly like him in the face.

“Lup?” He tried.

She started. He knew immediately it was her. He knew immediately something was wrong. Twins know that kind of shit about one another, after all. Oftentimes they didn’t even need to speak to understand one another, they just did it ‘cuz their words were awesome and rad and they were doing the rest of the world a favor. Her eyes landed on him and nothing clicked the same way.

“Sorry, you startled me,” she said, in a tone of voice he’d never heard her use before. It was too… ...timid and polite. It was too… ...lost. Something was fucked up here, and he needed help _now._

“Lulu,” he breathed.

Right now.

“Barry, can you uh, get over here?”

He was there immediately. “Oh, my god. _Lup._ ”

Of course Barry would be the one to get all weepy about it, Taako thought. Sure, he _felt_ like crying, but he couldn’t do that until the crisis was over. Barry was rushing to her side too quickly, already moving to take her in his arms and hold her and brush her hair back a little.

“You’re _alive._ ”

“Yeah, Barry, but she--”

A well-timed flinch said more than Taako could ever say. “Um, hold on there, partner.”

She sounded uncomfortable. It made Taako want to protect her more than anything else, but he knew that wouldn’t actually be helping shit right now. Barry was confused, still beside himself with emotions, crying and worrying and fussing even now that she was right here.

As she backed up a little against the cave wall, Taako was worried too.

“Huh? I--what did they do to you?” Now it was dawning on Barry, too, to be protective. It was difficult even for Taako not to think of him as a completely nerdy string bean, and he wasn’t exactly the buffest dude around himself. “Are you hurt? Are you okay? Are--”

“Barry,” Taako said, as softly as possible. “Cool it, okay?”

“So I’m Lup,” she said. Anytime she’d ever felt the need to remind people who she was, she’d always seemed so smug and self-aware. This sounded almost like a bad actor trying to convince themselves of the words. This sounded like… ...fuck, this sounded like a lost child. A chill ran down Taako’s neck as he realized he knew what _that_ sounded like from her, too.

“And I’m Taako,” he tried.

“Taako, why’re you--”

“And this numbskull is Barry.”

It wasn’t that her eyes now were unintelligent or vacant. It was that they were struggling to understand what that meant, and he didn’t know why yet. She was trying to put it all together, as hard as she could, and coming up empty. “...So you guys know… ...Lup. You know… ...me.”

“Of _course_ we know you, Lup,” blubbered Barry. “Of course, of course we--wait.”

Through all the haze of heavy emotion and sleep-deprivation, it seemed to click with him. “Do you not know… ...who _we_ are?”

“No shit, Barry,” Taako snapped slightly under his breath. “Glad you got with the program.”

He softened his edges as soon as he saw the look on her face, though. Her eyes were wide and filled to the brim with tears suddenly, and if there was one thing that broke Taako’s heart more than he could possibly say or stand, it was his sister’s tears. “Look, Lup, listen to me.” He got down on her level. “We don’t know what happened to you, but you’re going to be okay.”

“I don’t know who I am,” she croaked, trying to fight back the tears.

“I know you don’t, Lulu. I know. But listen to me. And not so much Barry right now, ‘cuz the man needs a moment, I think.”

“Oh my god,” he was gasping. “Lup. Who _did_ this to you?”

“See? Look. It’s just you ‘n’ me in this world right now. Do you feel that?” He took her hand, and she didn’t flinch away. Silent tears were rolling down her cheeks now, but she bit her lip and nodded. “Just us twins, okay? I’m Taako. I’m your twin. You look just like me, so you can feel glad, ‘cuz we’re both fresh to death.”

She nodded again, laughing a little, but it sounded like a sob still. He steadied himself.

“I don’t know what happened to you, or who or what did this to you, but I’m your brother. And brothers figure this shit out, okay? So you don’t have to worry one bit about it. I got this. I _promise._ ” He was looking her in the eyes. “I swear I do. Do you believe me?”

“I guess,” she conceded. “I don’t know what else to do.”

“Okay. Now, listen, don’t be afraid of Barry. He… ...eugh. Really _cares,_ is all. You can’t hold that against him. We’ve both been looking for you for a long, long time. We were really scared, just like you probl’y are right now. It’s a little much for him right now, too.”

“Okay,” Lup said awkwardly, glancing at Barry.

“Taako’s absolutely right, I uh, I need to collect myself. The _last_ thing I’d ever want to do is scare you, lovely. Believe me.”

“Okay,” she repeated numbly. “So now what?”

“Now we get you out of this goddamn cave so you can come home, okay? You need your family right now. And we got your back, isn’t that right, Bluejeans?”

“One hundred and ten percent.”

“For… ...for realsies?”

He smiled weakly. “Yeah, for realsies. Now c’mon, sis. Let's go."

Taako had always been so hesitant to think of anywhere as his home, but this time he'd have to try.

He got her on her feet and guided her back.


	2. Chapter 1

There were many times in Taako’s life that felt just like this one, oddly enough.

Maybe not under these exact _circumstances;_ Lup was always so gung-ho about protecting him, and if anything, he felt like she guided _him_ a lot of the time. But he still remembered, with almost startling clarity as they moved out of that godforsaken cave and towards somewhere a little more familiar, times when he’d have to pull her along.

She’d always be the one to want to linger, to risk herself for the sake of other people. She was always the one who wanted to stay behind, even in the throes of chaos, to make sure everyone else was okay or fire off a few sick rounds of flame. He’d be operating on that sort of blind instinct to just get them out, get _her_ out because the only thing that mattered was her survival. Their survival.

“Lup, let’s _go,_ ” he’d be begging her. “Let’s _go…_ ”

It felt even more similar in that emotions wouldn’t catch up to him yet. He was still in crisis mode, numbly putting one foot in front of the other. Looking ahead of them to make sure all was good, obsessively glancing at Lup to make sure she was okay, and putting on a brave face for the sake of the group ‘til he knew he could let his guard down (which wasn’t often, if he was being honest).

He could tell the trek back was probably Hell for Barry, too, which didn’t make things any better. Taako could just _feel_ the tension and all the unspoken words and worries bubbling up inside that dude right now, and it probably would’ve been painful to think about if he weren’t on such autopilot at the moment. For now, he trusted his search partner to keep it together, and he hoped that was enough.

When they finally got back and boarded the ship, it sucked.

It wasn’t so bad in the sense that Davenport immediately let them all back on. It wasn’t too terrible that everyone was so relieved and happy to see Lup again that they all immediately crowded all around the three of them, tears in nearly everyone’s eyes. It was nice to be welcomed that warmly, but it didn’t matter. He felt Lup tense up at the sudden influx of people knowing her name and crowding all around her, and it was enough.

“Give the girl some space, please.” He tried to sound nonchalant, but it came out as a kind of snapping, and he sounded more tired than anything else. “Back the fuck up, guys. She’s had a rough time.”

“A rough time?” Merle was the one to ask, immediately concerned. “Well, what _happened--_ ”

“None of your _business._ Just back the fuck off us for a few seconds, okay?”

The aggravating thing about getting close enough to other people for them to give a shit was that when they gave a shit, sometimes they didn’t know when to stop worrying and fussing to let you  _breathe_ for five goddamn seconds. Four other people wanted to know the exact scoop right now, but the only one he really cared about was so spooked she nearly let go of his hand, and he had to look out for her more than anything else.

Cap’n ‘Port was the one to speak up next, and everyone listened to him. For such a tiny guy, he had a presence that commanded the respect of the whole room, and Taako was immensely thankful for it right now. He’d gone silent at the sight of the three of them, studying them intently, and clearly, he knew something was up. “Let’s give ‘em some space, guys. They’ve all been through a lot.”

When it took them all a minute, his tone was stern.

“That’s an _order._ ”

They all understood that tone of voice. Finally, the three of them had enough breathing room. “That’s _more like it,_ ” Taako sighed, trying not to let himself feel too much relief just yet.

Lup was quieter than he’d probably ever known her to be, and her twin found it as unsettling as it was kind of heartbreaking. It was dawning on everyone else that this was unusual, now, and he could sense that she felt some kind of obligation. “Hey everybody,” she tried without certainty, still sounding like someone who’d just forgotten their lines. “It’s… ...uh, me. It’s… ...Lup.”

Everyone was quiet now. To their credit, none of them were as thick as Taako might resent them for during tense moments like this, and they were all starting to catch on to how _wrong_ something was about it all.

What really hammered it home was the fact that she was close to tears. It wasn’t as though they hadn’t all seen her on the verge before--hell, they’d all known each other for one hundred years or so, everyone had probably seen _everyone_ cry at some point at least, and sometimes over the _dumbest_ shit--but Lup always wore her emotions closer to the cuff than Taako himself did, and they took these kinds of tears seriously.

He realized, in this moment, that he wouldn’t dare take his eyes off her, like maybe if he did she might up and disappear again. She looked so dazed and far away, and the confusion was starting to really get to both of them.

When her knees started to buckle, he was right there. “Whoa, okay. Hey, hey. It’s okay, Lulu. I got you. Barry, could you--”

“I’m on it. It’s all right, Lup.” He was instantly there on the other side of her, holding her up a little. “I’m right here, babe. We’re right here.”

“It’s cool,” she tried. “I--I just need to lie down.”

“Of course you do,” Barry was trying to soothe her. “That’s--that’s totally understandable. Let’s get you to bed so you can have a nice rest, okay?”

“It’s like, no big deal,” she murmured.

“That’s a good thing, then,” said Taako, grateful that Barry was helping to keep her upright. He could defs support her by himself if he needed to--he knew that by now, he’d been doing it long enough--but it was definitely easier with the help of another person. “‘cuz it’s no big deal to us to give you someplace to sleep that’s not a cave, either. Neat how that works out, huh?”

“Yeah, I guess so.” She tried to chuckle, but it came out equal parts hollow and hysterical, and he could see the bags under her eyes from here. The look on her face was starting to get unfocused, now that her body was realizing it could shut down for a little while. He wondered if she’d been getting enough rest. “Real… ...real um, good. Taako, right?”

“That’s right,” he reassured her. “Taako’s exactly it, and Barry. Okay, out of the way, people. Future Sleeping Beauty coming through.”

This got another little chuckle out of her, and by now she was barely aware of the surroundings. He felt the weight of her sagging into him a little, but Barry was right there to help support them both, so he managed. People cleared a path without question, which helped.

“Would you mind if we set her up in my room?” Taako asked after a moment, in a hushed tone of voice. “I got a bed big enough for two, and--”

“Oh, yeah. No problem.” If Barry was in any way bothered by this arrangement, you’d never know it. For all that Taako picked on him, it was mostly in good humor, and he’d admitted to himself on several occasions that his sister had picked one hell of a guy.

“Cool.”

“Sorry, guys,” Lup tried. “I can walk there, believe me.”

“Sure you can, but this is _way_ more fun. Right, Barry?”

“Having a blast, Taako.”

She laughed again, eyes nearly shut by this point, and he felt her breathing get slow and calm. He tried not to focus too much on just how exhausted she was until they got to the bedroom and set her down. As soon as they did, she was out cold, and as they took her shoes off and tucked her in all nice, he could see it all in her face. She was paler than usual, maybe even a little sickly, and he was willing to bet she’d be out for quite some time.

“Fuck. Look at her.”

“I know.”

“I’m afraid to look away, in case she--”

“I… I know, my man.”

They sat in silence, both of them feeling the weight of a bunch of words unsaid and both of them not really knowing what to do about it. In the time since Lup’s sudden disappearance, they’d grown to be more comfortable in that kind of headspace than either of them had ever wanted to be, wanting to say so much awful shit out loud but not really knowing how to frame it in words. You got to know a guy uncomfortably well when both of you’d just lost the most important person to you in the world.

It wasn’t until this moment that Taako realized just how tired Barry himself looked, and he immediately took pity on the man. He probably didn’t look so much better off, but that wasn’t so important right now anyway. “You oughta get some shuteye too, my dude. I know you could def use it.”

“I could say the same for you, though, Taako.”

“Could you?” Damn, he didn’t expect the tables to be flipped on him that quick. Well-played, Bluejeans. “I don’t think so. We elves don’t even _sleep,_ y’know. We meditate _deeply._ ”

They both stared at his twin sister, a sleeping elf, curled up in his bed.

“Taako, we all know that’s a line of bullshit.”

“Yeah, that was my bad,” he admitted. “Kinda forgot the circumstances for a second there. But your form still probably needs _more_ sleep, okay? So you go get some.”

“I’m--I’m fine, trust me.” Barry stammered. “I can’t just _leave_ her like this.”

“Barry. I got this. I swear.”

He could see how conflicted Barry was, and he couldn’t fault him for that. He watched as his sister’s partner took another long glance at Lup’s sleeping form with all the love in the world, and he could see the clear and obvious pain in his eyes. “I… ...I just…” He trailed off, tears threatening to fill his eyes again, and he was quick to cover them and pinch the bridge of his nose a little. “Fuck. God damn it.”

“I know, dude. I… I know. It’s cool. I got this, okay?” Taako clasped a hand on Barry’s shoulder.

“You sure?"

“Positive.”

“Fuck. And you’ll… ...you’ll wake me up as soon as she wakes up, right?”

“Wouldn’t dream of doing otherwise, my guy. Promise.”

There was another heavy sigh. “Look, I know I shouldn’t do this, but it’s only ‘cuz I gotta.”

“Yup. Totally get it.”

“Seriously, if she even makes a sound, _please--_ ”

“I will fuckin’ sound the alarm. Seriously, Barry. Relax a little, okay?”

He laughed this time, just a little. “Tall order for either of us, huh?”

“Boy howdy, do I know it.”

They lingered again in another long, heavy silence before Barry agreed.

Taako felt almost bad for him as he watched him exit the room, knowing how many questions the others would have for him. As he sat in his own silence, he could still hear the sounds of their voices from outside the door, desperately hoping for any answers.

“What _happened?_ ”

“Are you okay? Is _Lup_ okay?”

“Has she been like this the whole time?”

“Is she resting?”

“How are you holding up?”

He could relate to the feeling.

He was desperate for answers, too.

Taako didn’t know how much time passed there, as he decided to take a seat in the chair that usually sat at his desk to watch over her. It had been quite awhile since time held any meaning for him, ever since he’d found that damn note. He’d imagined that maybe it might snap back into place as soon as he found her, but so far that seemed like a pipedream. It ticked on by as meaningless as it ever was, and his mind swung wildly from having no real thoughts at all to going a mile a minute.

Who’d done this? _Why_ had they? Why _Lup?_ Why _this?_ Why _now?_ _Why couldn’t it have just been him instead?_

Maybe it was some kind of spell. He’d have to do some research on any memory loss spells and reversals he could think of in a little while. Maybe find out from any witnesses, if there _were_ witnesses, whether or not they saw her go into that cave with someone else. There had to be _something_ he could do. There had to be _someone_ out there who knew what was going down. He hadn’t seen any obvious wounds or signs of struggle on her, but he’d check again when she woke up…

He remembered some nights on the streets together, they’d have to sleep in shifts. He’d sleep while she took watch, and then she’d sleep while he took watch, or vice versa. This reminded him a lot of that same feeling, watching his sister sleep on some bale of hay or in some caravan or whatever place their little feet had found themselves that night, and he really wished it didn’t.

A soft knock at the door startled him out of his thoughts and told him who was there, even before she spoke. “Taako?”

“Hey, Lucretia.”

“May I come in?”

“Sure thing.” At least she’d be quiet enough not to disturb Lup. On second thought, Lup was so out of it he wasn’t sure _anything_ could disturb her at the moment, and that was fine by him. She needed all the rest she could get right now, probably.

Lucretia made her way inside and shut the door so carefully behind her, it barely made a sound. “Hey, there.”

She sat in a sort of uncomfortable silence for a moment too. Taako couldn’t see the look on her face and didn’t want to take his eyes off his sister, but he was willing to bet she looked pretty concerned. She did that sometimes even when there was nothing much to worry about, and this time there was plenty. He didn’t mind it, though. She wasn’t asking a trillion questions at once, so that suited him fine.

“How are you both doing?”

Dumb question, Lu, he couldn’t help but think to himself.

“She’s just resting now. My guess is she hasn’t gotten any in a long while.”

“And you?”

He knew she’d try to turn it around on him like that. “I’m fine, no worries.”

“Mm.” Clearly, she didn’t buy it. “You’re not tired?”

“Nope. Right as rain, you know me.”

“Taako.” She tried to look him in the eye, but he was still fixated on Lup. “You’ve been in here for _hours,_ you know that? You look _exhausted._ Even Barry’s getting _some_ rest.”

“Elves don’t need it the same, Lu.”

She glanced in the direction of the bed, then sighed. “Please, try to get some sleep.”

“I will at _some_ point, okay? I’m not even tired.”

“You’re probably just… ...in shock right now, or something.”

“You’re not my mom, Lucretia. I’m fine.”

She sighed just as heavily as Barry had earlier. “Okay, then. I’ll drop it for now. But if I find you passed out somewhere, you’re going straight to bed. You need to look out for yourself, too, you know.”

“No worries,” he said without thinking. His own health didn’t matter.

“I _mean_ it.”

“Good. I’m glad. I do, too.”

They sat in some more silence, and the more willing she was to do that with him, the more vulnerable he felt. There was something kind of disarming about Lucretia for some reason, which was weird because she’d always been the baby of the group. Maybe it was just that he knew, even though she was always so soft, that she had dirt on everyone. The girl absorbed everything like a _sponge,_ and he knew her eyes were always on everything, writing it down and taking it all in.

She probably knew him better than most anybody on the Starblaster, and most of it he probably hadn’t even told her. That was pretty intimidating, all things considered. Made him feel vaguely defensive, even when she wasn’t trying to make him feel that way. She was a good egg, for sure, and he cared about her a lot. But there was just something, especially in situations like this, that made him uncomfortable.

He didn’t want her knowing how he felt inside, but she already knew.

That was probably why he said what he did next.

“You don’t understand, okay?” He blurted out.

“Oh, no, Taako. No, no, I know I couldn’t possibly--”

“She’s my _sister,_ Lucretia. My _twin._ ”

“I know. I know, Taako. I’m so sorry.”

“And I feel like it’s,” he babbled. “I feel like it’s my fault, you know?”

“Oh, no. Shh. Of course not.”

She hugged him, and to his surprise he let her, tearing his eyes away from Lup just so he could sink into somebody else for a second. “No, I _know_ it is, Lucretia. I _know_ it is. I’m supposed to be there for her always. We’re _twins._ We _always_ got each other’s backs. And she was talkin’ all weird before she left, and left that damn note, and I didn’t--I mean.”

“I know, Taako. It’s all right. But it’s not your fault. There’s no way it could _ever_ be--”

“I thought she was dead, Lucretia. Holy fuck.”

“I know, Taako.” Her voice got even quieter somehow at that. It occurred to Taako that she’d probably thought Lup was dead, too. Hell, maybe everyone had, and they just hadn’t said anything to him or Barry. He wouldn’t have been shocked if that were the case. “I’m so sorry.”

“So I,” he rambled on deliriously, “so I have to find out what’s up, okay? What’s wrong with her. She doesn’t even know her own name.”

“That’s what I heard. I’m so sorry.”

He realized how emotional he’d just gotten and withdrew as quickly as he could, embarrassed that she’d seen this much of his emotional state. Fucking Lucretia had dirt on everybody, everybody ever, and now he’d given her a new scoop. _Something new to write about in her journals, I guess._

(‘ _Dear Diary,_

 _Today, Taako came back with his amnesiac sister, dumped her on his bed, and then hugged me. It was a pretty fucked up day, y’all._ ’)

“I mean, but it’s like, whatever,” he tried, feebly. “I’ll figure it out. You know I got this.”

“Hell yes, I do.”

He was so glad someone believed in him that he nearly didn’t care who it was. They sat in so much silence for such a long time that eventually, when he started dreaming in his chair, he couldn’t even fight it.

For the first time in days, Taako got some rest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well, uh. there you go, i guess! i guess this one's an actual thing now. hope it's decent. uh, as i said recently in another chapter of another fic, i'm going out of town soon and i'm gonna be pretty busy for the next month, so if the writing bug keeps biting me i might have more up before then but!! i might not. either way, i'll try to make it worth the wait. thanks so much for any support i get. it's always the best.


	3. Chapter 2

She woke up to wailing and shot up immediately. It was more instinct than anything else that made her automatically turn toward the source of the sound than flinch away, and she found someone she didn’t quite recognize drooped over in a chair and frantic. If she could have thought about it, she  _ knew _ she might recognize this face some, but she didn’t.

“Please,” he was begging her still. “Please, Lup.”

And then she did, only vaguely.

“Taako? It’s… Taako, right?” She took a closer look. “Are you… ...are you okay?”

It was silly of her, she knew, to wonder whether or not someone else was okay in her predicament. Even if he wasn’t, she wouldn’t know what to do. The sound of the name--”Loop, Lup, Lupe?”--still didn’t feel right, didn’t mean what it should have. His face, so desperate and so far away, didn’t mean what it could have. But she knew that she  _ should _ ask, because right at this moment something seemed terribly wrong, and he needed her to do something.

His eyes were unfocused even as they looked at her. Green, she had to try to remember. Green, and maybe her eyes were, too. She didn’t know, but she had no reason to doubt what people told her in this place; after all, they’d rescued her from that terrible cave, and the man in front of her had specifically told her he’d solve everything. If that was her twin brother, she could know what she looked like by knowing what he looked like, maybe. She’d check later for green eyes. She knew already they didn’t have the same length of hair. 

Lup clung to little surenesses with everything she had.

“Lup,” he continued, looking at her but right through her. “Please, don’t leave… Please.”

“I won’t,” she promised, and she knew that much was true. She had nowhere else to go.

He wasn’t pacified. “Lup, please.  _ Please. _ Don’t  _ leave _ me. Don’t  _ leave _ me, Lup…!!”

She could tell by now he wasn’t listening, or wasn’t well enough to listen. Something about it, the pressure or his words, made her feel nauseous. The more he went on, the more she started to shake and curl back up in the bed, even as she knew he needed her. Trying her best to still keep her wits about her, she did the only thing she thought might work and called for help.

It was nigh instantaneous, and it came in the form of the other man who’d found her in the cave, but he was too quick to slam the door open. Something deep inside of her that she didn’t quite understand flinched away from it, from him, from everything. She felt far away, too, shaking and trying to focus.

She wasn’t in the cave.

She had a body.

Why did she have to remind herself she had a body?

She did it even as the man drew nearer. Five fingers on each hand, ten toes on both feet. Not in the cave where they’d found her. In a soft bed. In a bed too soft, where she could almost drift away into more sleep… She tried to shake her head to clear herself of any groggy feelings, because she knew her body would be quick to shut down at an inopportune time again. Deep breaths.

“Aw, shit. Lup, you okay?”

It was an absurd question. She didn’t pay any mind to it. “Um. Is… ...is he?” She pointed a finger out towards Taako in the chair, and she knew that it was trembling awfully along with the rest of her. “He just started screaming for me. I… I didn’t know what to do.”

Taako, the elf in question, was quiet now. He’d resumed sleeping soundly as though nothing had even happened, slumped into the chair and looking worn ragged. There were no indicators that he’d even been upset or awake, and he seemed to be peaceful now, which was easy to envy.

Somehow, it made her feel even worse. Even more unsure. “What? I--I promise, he was just  _ barely-- _ ”

The whole world began to blur as tears filled her eyes again. “I didn’t know what to do. He was yelling for me, but I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how to  _ help _ him. I didn’t know.”

“Hey, hey,” said the man softly. “It’s okay. Hey, Lup, don’t worry about it.”

“I still don’t know,” she murmured, burying her face in her hands.

“I know you don’t.” She knew he was closer to her now. “It’s okay, really. Just a night terror, is all. He gets ‘em sometimes. Won’t even remember this later. He’s okay. You did good by calling for help, and that was all you could do.”

She was silent for a second, tears draining energy she didn’t even have in the first place. When they cleared away, she managed to force herself to sit upright and hug her knees, staring vacantly out at the elf who was supposed to be her twin. Did she look that vulnerable sleeping? She didn’t know why she wondered. “I feel bad for him. And you.”

The human beside her was listening, poised to help in whatever way he could. She could feel this sort of awkward tension, like he wanted to sit down beside her. She could tell that she was inching away from him, flinching away, and couldn’t do anything about it. She was uncomfortable, and he was uncomfortable, and she hated every second of it as she picked at some lint on the blanket.

“Lup, babe, the  _ last _ person you need to feel bad for--”

“No, listen.” She drew a deep breath in, purposefully not looking at his face. “I know you want to say that to make me feel better, but it won’t. Nothing’s gonna make me feel better.”

“...Fair enough.” He was obviously trying to keep his composure.

“Like, nothing personal.” She babbled on before he could say anything else, still staring vacantly ahead. “I get that you’re both trying super hard, and that’s pretty cool of you and everything. But I’m not gonna be okay right now, and I feel worse for you for having to protect my feelings.”

“Lup…”

“So don’t, okay? Cut the shit.” This time she turned to him. He looked pained, but she expected that and steeled herself against it. “It’s  _ not  _ okay.  _ You’re _ not okay. You knew Lup, and she’s gone, and that’s not okay. You don’t have to pretend for me.” 

She paused, then turned away, drawing in another deep breath. “And take a seat already. It’s gonna be weird, but not any weirder than you just standing there.”

“Lup… I--are you sure?”

“I didn’t stutter, did I?”

“...Okay.”

She felt the weight of someone beside her on the bed, and didn’t hate it. It was hard not to flinch away, but she managed not to do it, focusing on the feeling of the sheets clutched desperately between her fingers now.

It took a second, but he spoke up. “Lup, you’re… ...you’re right, as usual. This is really hard for me. But it’s hard for me because I want  _ you _ to be okay and safe, y’know? It’s hard for me because you’re right here, and… ...and hurting.  _ That’s  _ what’s hard. I  _ never _ want you to hurt.”

“Why?” She asked the question without thinking, and then immediately wished she hadn’t. “Sorry. It’s just… ...I get the twin thing, I guess? I understand why he has to care about me if he’s my brother. But I don’t get you. Fuck, that just makes it even worse for you, huh? Sorry, again.”

“No, Lup. It’s… ...it’s okay to have questions. Understandable, even. Don’t worry.” He paused, clearly thinking about what to say. “I… ...care… ...because you’re special, Lup.”

“Mm.” She didn’t press for details. She didn’t think she could handle them. “Okay, cool. Um, thanks. For caring about her. ...Me. ...Yeah.”

“‘Course, Lup. We  _ all _ do here.”

It should have been a comfort that so many of the people in this place wanted to make sure she was all right. She knew it beat being scared and alone and confused on a cave floor, so she couldn’t complain too much. But she also knew that it just made her feel so much worse for not being what they’d cared about in the first place. There was no way she could be when she struggled to even remember her name or what she was doing here. If Lup were this much of a mess all the time, she probably wouldn’t be worth caring about all that much, anyway.

Even as she let him sit by her, she knew he wanted to be closer. Lup was an amnesiac for sure, but she wasn’t stupid. She’d noticed how quickly he’d been to want to take her into his arms, how concerned he was for her. She knew there was something between them that required some kind of physical closeness, but even as she knew it, she had to try not to shudder and shy away from him like a stranger. He  _ felt _ like a stranger.

_ She _ felt like a stranger.

“Thanks,” she said, trying to smile anyway.

“Ah, don’t mention it. ‘S’what we do, care for one another.”

She sat in silence with this thought, and then became aware she was starting to dream again while sitting upright. It was incredibly difficult right now to tell the exact difference between the waking world and the dream world, because they both felt so surreal to her, but she tried to retain some grip on her senses and stay awake.

“Um… ...hey,” she mumbled, already slurring her words slightly. “Hey, don’t let me go back to sleep yet, okay?”

“You sure? You probably need all the rest you can get, Lup.”

“Yeah, prob’ly,” she murmured. “But listen.”

It was easy to feel herself dozing off again, but she kept forcing her eyes back open. “Need… ...food. Then more sleep.”

“Oh,” Barry gasped as if this were just occurring to him. “Oh, yeah, for sure. You’re probably starving by now, huh?”

“Mhm,” she tried. “Food. Please. Hungry.”

For some reason, he cast a glance toward the elf in the chair. “Okay. On it. Do you wanna eat in here, or--”

It took all of her strength to protest. “Nah. Just g‘nna fall asleep in here. I can go out.”

“You sure?”

“Yup. Help me up.”

He did, and it was ridiculously hard for her not to just let her head loll to the side against his shoulder. She tried to keep herself as steady as she could, even as everything in her body protested and wanted its rest, and tried to brace herself for the light and the other unfamiliar faces that waited for her on the other side of the door. Her entire body felt heavy as she shuffled out, Barry reassuring her it was okay every few steps.

“Guess bodies gotta eat sometime,” she announced with the most energy she could muster, which wasn’t much right now. It was better to draw attention to herself than be caught off-guard by them first. “Hey, everybody.”

All the eyes on her made her feel uncomfortable, but her smile grew wider in response (or defense). She could tell none of them quite knew what to say and imagined the conversations they’d already had, trying not to feel embarrassed as Barry kept her stupid noodle legs moving towards a table.

“Hey. It’s good to see you, Lup.” A gnome broke the silence. “Isn’t that right, everyone?”

“Oh, most definitely.” A dwarf with flowers in his beard was the first to nod along. “Great to see ya, Lup. Just real good to see you around again.”

That was basically what the gnome had just said. They must’ve been as uncomfortable as she was. “Um. Cool.”

“Of course… ...of  _ course  _ we’re thrilled to see you. Is there anything you’d like to eat in particular?” A quiet human girl was looking up from her book now, adjusting the glasses on her face. They were rounder than the other human nerd’s were, and she seemed so composed in such a weird situation that it almost threw Lup even more than anyone’s awkwardness had so far.

“Um, well like,” she stammered. “I’ve been--I’ve been in a cave, so I guess I’m... ...not too picky. Thanks, though.”

“It’s no probs,” said the girl in a ridiculously fancyass voice. “I’ll go see what I can do. I’m Lucretia, by the way.”

That also threw her. No one else had given themselves away like that yet. “I--I know,” she lied and then wasn’t sure why she bothered.

“Good,” said Lucretia. It was clear she didn’t buy it, but that was fine. “In the meantime, do you want to say anything, Magnus?”

All eyes were now on some tall, muscle-y human kid in the near center of the room, who had clearly not come up with anything to say yet. Lup was only relieved they weren’t on her, but she had to admit his gaze on her was making her a little more anxious than anyone else’s. From everyone else’s reaction, it was clear he wasn’t usually so speechless.

He said nothing at first. The dwarf elbowed him in the ribs, then coughed.

“What? Oh, yeah. So like, you forgot everything, huh?”

Lucretia went from casual and composed to almost appalled at his apparent lack of conduct. Everyone else looked nervous as soon as the words left his mouth, and for a minute Lup had no idea what to say. Eyes were all back on her again, waiting to see how she’d react.

“Aw, shit.” Magnus realized his mistake. “Did I say that out loud? Fuck, I’m sorry.”

To Lup’s surprise, when it hit her, she laughed. She laughed so hard she nearly buckled over, and Barry had to keep her upright. Tears were rolling down her cheeks again, but this time it was just because she couldn’t catch her breath, and none of the world mattered except for the fucking absurdity of what he’d just blurted out with no problem at all. Everyone else took such care with her, but here was this guy who’d just said it all right out without even meaning to.

He started laughing along too, then whispered to the dwarf. “Anyone else feeling a little scared right now?” 

He wasn’t good at whispering. It made Lup laugh even more.

When she finally composed herself, though, she found that her smile was genuine. She felt some kind of huge relief that someone wasn’t afraid to be real, and even when she felt her body slumping over a little bit and exhausted from the laughter, she didn’t regret it at all.

“Thank  _ god _ someone said it like that,” she gasped. “Pretending to know anything is super hard.” 

It would’ve been such a nice moment if she hadn’t nearly passed out again. She’d take it, though. 

“Now I can ask. How the hell is 'Lup' spelled?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yup, it's back, and from Lup's POV!! figure i'll probably alternate chapters between both Twins for this one... just seems right. as you might know, i'm going through a lot right now, so i hope this chapter even makes any coherent sense. it's kind of good just to write ANYTHING at the moment, you know? hope you're all well, though. thanks always for the support. i'll have more up soon, i think. when i can.


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